(No, it's not a reference to John Mayer's song at all. Yes, inspired by the title, but not the content. )

I remember the annual xanga new year's eve/new year's day entry -- a self reflection on the year that past and a welcoming to the year to come. I didn't do that this year. I think I was in momentary denial of the fact that this year actually happened. I can't even begin to summarize the events that took place, because quite frankly, it's something you'd think should occur over a span of three years, not one. I'll tell you this: the end result of this year is that I'm at the same place as I was before. I'm young with my whole life ahead of me, I am blessed with genuine friends and family, and I am broken hearted.

Why?

If there's anything that God wants me to see time and time again, it's the simple fact that sometimes I have to have my heart broken so that I can see that He is the only one who can fix it. Why do I always turn to other people? Why do I always look to temporary satisfactions? Why do I choose things of this world that can't offer me what I truly need? Because I'm stupid. Simple as that. How can you expect the world to fix a heart that it didn't create? Only the Creator can fix my heart, the heart that He made.

Something else I realized: there is no other Char in the universe. I have a huge struggle with expectations; beliefs that the way I treat and talk to people, should be returned to me. Not everybody thinks and acts the way I do, how can I expect them to treat me the same way? There is no other me in the world. I have to accept that and love that about me. I have to accept and love the qualities that are in other people, even if they clash with mine; that is what makes them, them, and me, me.

I break my own heart this way. I allow myself to get angry and upset when the truth is everybody is different. I can't force someone to call me. I can't force someone to initiate conversation with me. I can't force someone to want to hang out with me. I can't force someone to be considerate, to be thoughtful, and be creative. I can't force someone to fall in love with me again. I can't force someone to pursue me. I can't force anyone to do anything. If there's anything I can pass down to you: stop wishing others will do what you want or you feel you deserve.

I'm at a new threshold, a new year, and in a few weeks, in a new city, new home, new friends, new job, and new environment. I have no regrets. Sometimes certain things happen in your life where you're put in situations that you must take a big risk. Two things can happen: A. Success, and B. You fall flat on your face. And this really depends on how you look at it. Recently, I felt like I fell flat on my face. I'm now choosing to look at it as the former and not the latter. It was success because I did what I do.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I put my feelings out there. I can't live without expressing how I feel, what I think, what I want... That is me. That is Char, and that's who I'm choosing to love. Even though being like this gets me hurt sometimes. To allow yourself to become vulnerable, to pur your whole heart out on the table for all to see, is a very, very scary thing. This is what I now say: Do it. Do it now. You have nothing to lose. My life is too short to keep wondering 'what if?' I lost nothing. What did I gain? Peace.

This is where dreaming comes in. There is nobody else to think about except me. I loved Ral's theme for this year's New Year's celebration. "Shift, Dream and Rest." The greatest of these three that spoke to me was Shift and Dream. While driving a standard car, in order to move forward and go faster, you must shift gears. What happens? You slow down a bit, but then you progress forward and you move faster. Life is full of temporary and momentary setbacks, but that's all they are -- temporary, and momentary. The end result is that you're still moving. I'm shifting gears and moving forward. I'm dreaming big as to where I want my road to lead me.

What do I want? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to meet? What kind of people do I want to surround myself with? What kind of story do I want to be able to tell my children in the future? What kind of adventure do I want to lead?

There has always been the rebel side of me. The side that doesn't care to listen to anybody and want to follow any authority. I'm sorry filipino tradition and parental authority, I can't listen to you anymore. My life is my life and I have to do what I feel will make me happy. Even if that means falling flat on my face again, even if that means breaking my own heart once more, I can't live my life in the safe zone. I'm going to dream and I'm going to go after it.

Dream with a broken heart. If you didn't want to read all that, please pay close attention to this: Dream with a broken heart because in your heart's brokenness, it is trying to tell you something. Listen carefully. Amidst pain and hurt there is hope. That is why you dream.

onlyyyyy four more days!